April 12, 2017
Inside, Outside
by Ruth Happ
Sometimes when it rains outside,
I sit and think
about all the things
I could be doing
Out there
among the trees and leaves
and growing things
As a kid I would
Play catch
with a football
baseball
or hacky-sack
tossed between our feet
Bounce the ball and
shoot some hoops
to the tune of
H.O.R.S.E. or P.I.G.
or maybe
travel Around the World
Other times my friends from school
would come knocking on my door,
“Come out, let’s ride!”
they’d say real quick,
then rush off to their bikes
I’d look at my mom,
who’d usually nod
and say,
“Just don’t be gone too long”
Then I’d grab my bike
and off we’d go
around the neighborhood
To see…
to feel the breeze
and fly
away from homework
worry
money
fights
Carefree, hands-free
thinking only of that moment
feeling like we could do
anything
that we dreamed
Sometimes I swam
indoors, outdoors
back and forth
now cold, now warm
jumping, diving, splashing
free-styling, hand-standing
smiling, laughing
feeling free
like a fish or a mermaid
hair streaming
But then
something shifted
the wind changed
my thoughts turned inward
I began to see
Myself
My face
My skin
My imperfection
And my play came to mean
something more than just play
the neighbor guy, my friend,
Hmm…
What else did he mean to me?
I started to feel afraid he’d see
everything that was wrong
with me
So I hid my face,
my acne
and turned away
despite his frustrated pleas
for me to turn
and look at him
when he was talking to me
I walked a space behind him
when going from the outdoor pool
to the indoor
so he couldn’t see
the mole
on the back
of my left leg
or the roundness of my thighs
or the way
the surface of them dented
like craters on the moon
when I sat down
and pulled back my skin
“Cell - u - lite”
they told me
“So weird to have so young!”
Well, that’s just one more thing
that’s wrong with me
The thoughts kept flying in
“I’ll never be like other girls
Pretty
Admired
Dressed-in-Style
Crushed on
Dated
Wanted...”
I didn’t see
or understand
that really
I had a sense of humor
and I was smart and serious
all at the same time
and I could play ball
and I could get better...
The kids’ yells at my mistakes
really didn’t matter
I could sing
And who cares if you get a solo?
I could dance
to the Nutcracker, Michael Jackson, C&C Music Factory, Christian rap...
or Riverdance, whatever
I could read well
and write
everyday in my journal
about my family and their fights
about my dog and cat who died
about the boys I thought I loved
about the sky when the sun went to bed in a canvas sheet of color
a story I made up about a girl and her grandmother
poetry that came to me like a little bird on a wire
And I could make someone else feel better
with help on her homework
or a smile and “Hello”
or a “Hey, can you come over?”
Somehow,
slowly,
I began to see
my face
my flaws
were not all
of who I was
Just truth of life,
as my mom would say,
nothing’s perfect
no one is
but Jesus
And all of us
have something
we want to hide
a place, a time,
we stay inside
where it’s safe
where no one has to see
who we really are
or want to be
I look around now
no windows on these walls
But I can see
in my mind’s eye
a world beyond
all that I know
A girl in her yard,
kicking a goal past her brother
A boy in his kitchen,
baking a pie for his mother
A man in his church,
holding hands with his daughter
A woman in her school,
teaching kindness to her students
And I realize
we need both inside and outside
to think
to talk
to see
to hear
to feel
to do
to be
I am who i am
but I am not all
that I can be
And so I keep on living
and learning
and dreaming
and loving
and being loved
And that is really
what life
means
to me.
